The Auld Alliance

Age: 24
Born: Basra
Occupation: Republican terrorist
Position: Winger
Also known as the Phantom Winger, Neil has also been compared to Harry Houdini, in that he has the ability to magically disappear for entire games.
Known for his fixing his fringe before taking a touch, he has mastered the cultured toe punt.

Age: 24
Born: Fulham
Occupation: Child Actor
Position: MOTM
A first touch tighter than a snare drum, the Tree is known for his composure and penchant for halfway line own goals (once is more than enough…)

Age: don’t worry about it
Born: DDR
Occupation: Pintman (we reckon he’s Stasi)
Position: Striker
Suaver than a cashmere turtleneck, Deutscher Rob has brought continental flair and grace to our well-oiled machine.
N.B., reader: if you have any unwanted cable knit turtlenecks lying about your place, he’ll surely take them off your hands.

Age: 166
Born: ITALIA
Occupation: Pasta maker
Position: Pro-Italy
Antonio is Italian. Did he mention that?

Age: 23
Born: The Shire
Occupation: Journeyman
Position: CB/CDM/CM/CAM/CF/ ST/’The Hole’
Lethargy incarnate WILARDDDDDDDD still shores up any leaks in the AA’ outfit with his size 13 Hi-Tech boots. A true Auld Alliance stalwart, he’s as reliable as he is slow (seriously an articulated lorry on rue François Miron has a tighter turning circle than George).

Age: <40 (knee age: 87)
Born: Salopia
Occupation: Posting garbage on Facebook
Position: Physio’s chair
His playing days may now be behind him, yet Alister remains a key cog in the AA machine. A nippy striker in his pomp, Ali has brought that vim and vigour to his Dropbox administration and his occasional John Sitton-esque touchline tantrums.

Age: ?
Born: Landaan
Occupation: Insurance salesman
Position: CB
A 21st century player in an old skool team (and by that we mean he has a shit haircut and tattoos). An uncompromising, no-nonsense defender, exactly what a defence full of silky ball players needs.

Age: 26
Born: The Home Counties
Occupation: Livestock vendor
Position: CB/LB
A new arrival for the 17/18 UFOLEP season who has ‘tongue punched’ his way into the first XI. Never ask him what ‘tongue punching is’…

Age: 14
Born: Burnley
Occupation: Northern minstrel
Position: CM
AA’s own Giovincom the Lancashire Terrier has added guile and craft to the midfield.

Age: 113
Born: S’Afrika
Occupation: Pug owner
Position: Winger
A springbok on the wing, bru. They may have lost the Boer War in 1902 but nobody told this warrior as he scraps and fights for every ball. We still have no idea why he has a welsh name…

Age: 241
Born: The Land of the Free
Occupation: Hacker
Position: GK
Perhaps the only yank in the world to speak at less than 200 dB, Eric has filled the gaping hole that has plagued the Auld Alliance for years with his cattish reflexes and assured handling.

Age: 241
Born: The Home of the Brave
Occupation: Wheeler and dealer
Position: LB
The US army corps’ loss was the Auld Alliance’s gain when Mike decided to uproot from Seattle and come to Paris. He loves a concert as much as he does a crunching tackle and we wouldn’t have him any other way.

Age: 24
Born: Straight outta Winchester
Occupation: Bank clerk
Position: Very middleclass
An imposing CB, when he pairs with Jake Annett at the back they’re as likely to concede a calamitous goal as to plot the domination of well over an 1/8 of the known world. Devas played once for the team on his year abroad and the fond memories where enough to drag him back to Paris years later to once again don the famous purple shirt.

Age: 27
Born: Lewisham
Occupation: Market trader
Position: Wherever he felt like putting himself (should have been CB but was more often than not ST)

The thinking man’s Danny Dyer left a huge hole in the team when he moved back to the motherland to take up terrace hooliganism fulltime at The Den. Hated, loved and feared by all in equal measure, he will forever be seen as the beating heart and founding father of the team.

Age: “Have you got any ID, pet?”
Born: Stockport
Occupation: Pretend manc/Oasis tribute act
Position: CB/’The Roy Keane role’
It was once said “there is one thing to know about our team. You have The Marshall, The Architect and The (can’t remember this name)… and I’m all three of them!” Whilst this is undeniably true, it also shows just how much of a donkey this guy is. If Cam spent as much time practising his tackling as he does trying to convince people that he is actually from Manchester then maybe our goal difference would read less like Derby County (where he currently lives btw) in the 2007/08 Premier League season. The heir apparent to Charlie Moore hasn’t done as catastrophically bad a job as the author had thought he would when inheriting team leadership.

Age: 39
Born: Valencia
Occupation: Orange seller
Position: LBThe Marathon Man can be seen endlessly galloping up and down the AA’s left flank, as keen to deliver a cross as he is clatter an opposing winger, our resident Spaniard just bloody loves the game.

Age: 25
Born: Hackney (apparently) / He’s actually from Ludlow
Occupation: Football business watcher
Position: CM
The engine of the team, Nelson will never stop running (especially when he feels aggrieved and sees someone’s legs to kick just in front of him). An AA stalwart entering his 5th season with the team, he’s improved as a player year on year. The team’s only teetotaller but don’t let that put you off him, he’s horrendous personality will do that on its own.

Age: 20
Born: Oxfordshire
Occupation: Milky Bar kid impersonator
Position: CM/RB
Joint captain of the team with fellow ULIP student, Jack Adamson, perennial MOTM winner Luke is famed in the UFOLEP league for his endless running and hounding of the opposition. It is whispered in the vestiaires that he regularly competed in triathlons before moving to Paris to eat cheesy wotsits and attend the odd lecture at university.

Age: 20
Born: West London
Occupation: Tracksuit wearer
Position: ST
The other half of the AA’s deadly ULIP duo, Jack has been terrorising defences in the league for two seasons now and is well on his way to surpassing Charlie Moore and team legend, Josh Pickering as the all-time leading goal scorer. Will he reach that tally of 7 goals??? Only time will tell…